Anagrams of My Life

Dear Readers,

I know it has been a while since I last posted. I am very thrilled to announce major changes in my life. One being the great opportunity to learn of the Lord. I have never felt so in tune with my self. It is so ironic how as human beings we break all the rules because we feel that somehow it will still get us to where we need to go. Truth is one must ultimately learn to conform. I am very fortunate to have found the Lord at a time in my life where I had no major need of anything. I wasn't sick or poor. My life seemed to be complete...(I mean as complete as it could be). The Lord was reintroduced to me this past summer. It was a friday night and I was at work, the gentlemen said do you believe in the Lord, and I sarcastically responded... See I was raised a strict Catholic, I was forced to go to church every Sunday, every Tuesday, prayer was an everyday affair. Yet my life was miserable, I lived in an abusive home, my grandmother was a neourotic who hated me 90 percent of the time. My idea of God became distorted, how can the Lord exists and so many people in pain? I still don't know the answer, all I know is that he is God and that he reveals himself daily, in ways that I cannot even discribe. My life is worth living now that I have guidance, I have support. God is teaching me truth, he is teaching me paitince, he is teaching me the proper methods to attain my personal goals. The mental and intrinsic dots are slowly connecting. This is the thing, I have been brought up in an instant gratification society, it either works now of never, I either love you or hate you, now now now now. When you walk within the Lord you realize process. Process has been one of the most valuable things my life has taught me. Everything has process. Process cannot be rushed or compromised. I have never loved properly...I just didn't know how. I would have never thought in a million years to have the great opportunity to blog about my relationship with God. The fact that I fall in love with him more and more on a daily basis, although there are times I get frustrated for not knowing or become scared that I am failling short, all I have to do is open my bible and there is his words to show me the way.

I hope that anyone who reads this will understand the circumstances of how I came to know him. I pray that more people will let the opportunity of Gods love to enter there life. I promise it will not be instant. however it will be everlasting.

God blessings
FK

I finally am force to see the light. In life one must figure out intention to carry out action. This is where my thoughts get fuzzy. All my relationships have been in the gray zone, emotionally that is how i was programmed. All of me jammed within me aching till it could hurt no more. All my desires and wants belittled and diminished. Thankfully after the death of my younger brother i was forced to cope. See when something as dramatic as the lost of something that is so valuable. Your mind and soul goes into this horrible shock. You breathe, but your are winded. It hurts but you cannot make it stop. You become paralyzed. Now this is where it gets tricky. For me it was simple, i know what lost is. My childhood was taken from me. I was forced to live out a sentence. For 18 years i sat alone, unable to do anything but wait. When the day of freedom came I had no tools. I had become a prisoner of my own freedom. If you once have something and lose it, when you re gain it you appreciate to the fullest. However when you have no idea of what something is like when it is finally yours you become so overwhelmed that if you do not have the right guidance... chaos. Until that day i was in a coma. Unable to fully function as a proper individual. I had all these wants and need with no ability to attain them. I hated myself for causes that i still cannot explain. To myself i was a worthless human being with great aspirations. I lived like i was trained to but with no real wants of my own. I was a pleas er. Then when he died that emotion was mine, it came from nowhere and did not leave. I was crush and the more i tried to deal with it the way i dealt with everything else the more i crumbled. Finally i still don't know how. I saved myself from myself. Since then my life changed and i have been on that trek since. Its been three tearful years of ups and downs. I overcame addiction and self abuse. Until recently i was still a prisoner of myself with a an eating disorder.
I am not proud of the road it took, but in the end it was my journey. I got myself here. I am a great person. I live life one day at a time. The hardest thing about this journey is the list of situations that create other situations. Its like a labyrinth. Once you overcome this then that comes to light. Slowly the boxes get their labels, and i finally get to live my life.

I began this blog as a journal. I wanted to vent the frustrations of living with an eating disorder. How I medicate myself with sugar. I wanted to an honest record of how this has affected my life and relationships.
I felt that I needed a place to vent. Showcase real situations and hopefully encourage others to reach out.
As time passed i met this boy and other things happened. The more i learned about myself the less scary this became. I recently discovered that one of the main triggers of the disorder was being lactose intolerant.
I never took the time to listen to myself. It sounds weird but have neglected my needs as a human alot.
Retrospecting,
I now approach a new stage in my battle. My anxiety with dealing with: . 1. my family. 2.boys 3.people/places
I recently went back home. The place i dread most of all because of all the memories. The place i avoid especially during the holidays because it always felt foreign. Here i was willing to go head on. My new best friend with dealing with people is alcohol. I am trying to keep it in check with out making the mistakes of the past of fuzzy denial.
(i wont go into details about the trip) although i will say that once again i learned a lot about myself. Another major accomplishment happened, I told my mother how i felt after we fought. That my readers is a milestone. This also opened a new thought with in me. The more i feel the less i say. This brings us to the current situations at hand.
This blog like most things in my life start out with a intrinsic intention. All the attention deviated to this boy. The man i have had a crush on for month. My obsession of food stopped and all my attention focus on him. It didn't happen all at once but slowly progressed. When it comes to love of myself and others because my childhood was so .............. can't think of the word to sum it up. I had no self worth or value of myself to myself or others. If a cute guy thought i was cute then i had validation. if someone wanted to be with me then i finally was lovable. I changed my beliefs. I began engage in casual sex. The more it hurt (because intrinsically i knew it went against my beliefs), the more i would force myself. I kept sh hing my inner self.

The following is a note of my wants:
I don't think a guy should kiss me on the first date.
I think that unless a guy wants to pursue a relationship then he should not take me out on a third date.
I think people should be up front with their situation.
I want to be valued for all my assets and attributes.
I want to be protected.
I wish i had more boundaries when i like a cute guy.
I am funny and witty till we start to get personal.
I don't do casual sex.
I am very kinky (but have no clue how to become comfortable enough to let it all out)
I am very old fashion
I remember every detail, and enjoy playing back thoughts of great instances that made me smile
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with my soul mate.
I know even though I hate the thought that I am not ready to fully commit.
I have a lot of personal growth to still do (and it frustrates me)
I was a late bloomer
so with that said, I had an innocent crush and never thought i would have the opportunity to hold and touch you. I never thought i would get the chance to engage you personally, share your space. I let the idea of wanting someone to know me get in the way of what was really happening. it has been a month since i last spent time with you. I let it be okay for you not to call me back because in my mind since i did not sleep with you you valued me as me. Truth is we want different things. I was not assertive enough in stating that. I became meek and let the moment happen for fear that it would never happen again. I wanted to fully know what it was like to be in the presence of someone i could care for. When i kissed you it wasn't a generic kiss. I meant it. When i caressed your skin, those touched were for you. I never led you on by taking time out of my schedule to be with you. I was so selfless that i never said how i felt, i just waited. I figured that you would realize how great i was and how you could not live without me. I made excuses for you flirting with other girls because at the end you would be mine. Truth is I don't know. I did something brave yesterday. I called you and asked you to a party. My heart beat ed out of my shirt, i could have collapsed. You get that from me. When i see you butterflies happen, my breathe shortness and you become my thoughts for the rest of the day. Well i called, and once again you denied my the company. I said something this time, and even though i stuttered, and you probably wont talk to me again, i still said it. I don't want to take it back...i also want to thank you. I learned many valuable lessons from our situation.
I also have the sweet memory and feeling of what it is like to kiss the person you like. I get to take the fact that all those times that i daydreamed about you, they weren't just daydreams you really exist.
I still have a lot to learn from myself, but it is good to know that I am okay with not being perfect.

take care.
FK

So for the whole summer, or better yet said since I noticed him at the gym, I had a crush on this guy, I wasn't sure if he was gay or not, but I do know he was very cute, I also once saw him reading a medical CPR book so i knew he was into medicine. turns out that he finally asked me out it was great we watched a movie held hands no kissing action which I loved cause I feel it never appropriate. txt me days later second date spent a sunday boating. Then I discovered in the getting to know you portion that he is in medical school. The romantic in me immediately though of Mc Steamy, truth is Im not the dating around type, I have always been the one to secretly just want to find my soulmate and live life. Truth is it hasent ever been like that, I was a late bloomer, lost my virginity to him, hand unhappiness and eventually realized that he wasnt my soulmate and that he wasnt marriage material. So here i am mis super independent that keeps meeting the wrong guys and dreaming with them being the one. I suck at dating, but i have been thru enough to see this one comming. Its going on week two and maybe I am being a little premie here but I know why I am single, and if i am going to keep playing this dating game then i need to figure out why mr. is still single and if why he is single factor is what i can fill and cure then thats what it takes to be a soulmate. I am tired of conforming to the other persons flaws and pretending like it is something i am willing to deal with when really I'm not. I secretly wish it didnt exist or that it would just disapear. Back to Mr. Med student, now why would a good lucking, atletic, sweet, gentle, smart man still be up for grabs? He is in Med School and truth is he doesn't have the time to be making out with me on the couch of his apartment. playing hooky from work to have steamy morning sex. He saves lives. Now back to the time line, granted that week one we went out twice, txt in between, chatted briefly on the phone. this week we sorta had plans to meet, which never happened, I didn't even see him in a class we take, and yes I understand, we haven't had out first kiss yet, so that means we are extremely fragile. Now this is the part were I get a cookie, because before things heat up, before my body realizes hormones during wild pasionate sex (yes I read the blog where Med students are great in bed because they are conditiontioned to cater to others needs) Do i really want to get invoveld with someone who has no time for me because of legit causes. I didnt know what my uneasyness was toward what seems to be the perfect guy, I mean this week (week two) I txt he text back told me how he was being overworked but still hope to see me, and then txt an apology of why he was disconected which once again i thought was so sweet. So I googled dating a Med student and I was pleased to what came up, realistically I don't know him, would love to be the girl that cooks and does his laundry, sleeps in his bed to keep him warm during his rotations and hope to be poked when he returns. Part of me is saying the idea of him being away at the library while i persue my own dreams and goals. Because yes I am not in Med School but my design work is pretty demanding its all i do, think about and spend my time doing, that and the gym and my dog, which seems to be what his life is about. But this is not about meshing my life with his, this is about me being honest with myself , is this really what i want or am i just settleing because i sounds good. Let rationalize here, I know i am tired of being single and of dating mr wrong, and planning out our future that will crash and burn, but it has only been two weeks and i already have wondered he is banging someone else? But the truth is he isn't and that makes me more attracted to him, I do want to be that girl who cooks and takes you lunch cause I know you are busy, I just hope you give me a chance to get to know me. I think everytime i meet a guy and think wow this is the one that is going to take me off the shelf comes around I really need to think what is he going to teach me to better my life and what i really want from someone.

I knew but was too stupid and to into him to realize that all it would amount to is casual company. I'm tired of making excuses for the dirt bags i date. So i made a list and decided that if i was going to put myself through the emotional lottery again this one better at least be on the list. And so it began... I had an innocent little crush. I never would have though that he would ask me out... i never date crushes i just get crushed... and then the moment came when he asked me to walk him home. OMG i could not believe how comfortable i was...then the prolonged when will he ask me out...then i lost hope and knew that was all i was getting. then right when i lost hope bam out of left field an invitation to go watch a fucking movie at his apartment, I knew something was off i even blogged about it in my previous clueless post... why are we still on nothing? i can't stop thinking about him and i hate it...

I have been gushing for weeks about my crush asking me out. I was so exited I would have never expected the chance to date him more than once. Making out with his firm lips and feeling every sensation of gratification just to have him in my arms. Ironically after time spent together I never heard from him, he never called or txt to see how i am doing. I kept questioning this behavior and everyone's excuses was that he was in Med school and busy and that i had to be understanding. Which i was, I am a designer and I know the sacrifice it entails ( I kept thinking wow this adds more compatibility). After weeks of no signs from him I finally gave up, erased his number and moved on with my life. He called and i pick up not recognizing the number. It was amazing... amazing is not even the words. I normally an anxious person felt so at home in his arms. He was so loving and tender. He respected me, I felt so intimate without being sexual. He insisted on making me breakfast. I felt so lucky no one had ever made me breakfast, how could we not end up together? Two weeks later my question existing becomes and answer. He had a girl friend.


I am so fucking flabbergasted to the times we are living in. Excuse me but i am mature and smart. I didn't need you to take me on a detour if you weren't interested why ask me out? Was it fun for you to toy with someone else's thoughts? I don't get it however the signs were subliminal and i could sense it my gut was right on point.

Buddhist mantra: Bow Down To Inner Self

I had a horrible emotion in senior project that lead to my break through of what drives my work.  I need to show i exist. Somehow my work has to be functional. I keep using my brother's death as a reference. The idea of him dying is not relevant its the action of me actually existing and having to own that moment and emotion. I don't care what my name its not Female King that bothers me its the act that i am actually here. I just realized that my whole life has been to make a point of existence.

Hi my name is:................ and i am a habitual dating disaster.

sound familiar? now work with an independent sister who has all she could ask for (including a battery operated companion that knows how to do it right). Men and women are not the same. women want commitment. Men want their sports team to win. In our lives a time comes when we both meet half way and women decide to watch sports and men decide to commit to their cheerleader. In between i'm lost and feel like i am missing the boat?

Dear Existence,

These 25 years of life have been very challenging and extremely exhausting. I am very proud to announce that tomorrow i will be turning 25. I realize that like most 25 year old, I may not be married or at least have a boyfriend or anything close to that, or kids or car or a mortgage and yeas i am now just completing my bachelors degree. I do have many other triumphs and trophies that i can credit under my belt. For most 25 year olds life has been smooth sailing timeline. For me it has been taking my tragedies and gut wrenching experiences and turning them into glory and happiness. I am so powerful and with every beating moment I may exhale and learn the beautiful gift of acceptance. Great people are not born they are made and molded. I survive extreme circumstances, I have backpacked throu the darkest and grungiest to be able to finally say "I am have not completely arrived however I am on my way" I want to thank myself for having the courage to continue, for putting in the time and effort. I know that i have not always been the best to myself and i have compromised and given up things that i shouldn't have just to please others. Today i am coming to terms with me and that my friends is the greatest moment anyone can have is to finally accept the things that one has the ability to change and the ones that just have to be accepted. My mantra is no longer i deserve to be happy, it is I WILL BE HAPPY. I save my life for art and in retrospect art save me.

Thank you!
F. King