I finally am force to see the light. In life one must figure out intention to carry out action. This is where my thoughts get fuzzy. All my relationships have been in the gray zone, emotionally that is how i was programmed. All of me jammed within me aching till it could hurt no more. All my desires and wants belittled and diminished. Thankfully after the death of my younger brother i was forced to cope. See when something as dramatic as the lost of something that is so valuable. Your mind and soul goes into this horrible shock. You breathe, but your are winded. It hurts but you cannot make it stop. You become paralyzed. Now this is where it gets tricky. For me it was simple, i know what lost is. My childhood was taken from me. I was forced to live out a sentence. For 18 years i sat alone, unable to do anything but wait. When the day of freedom came I had no tools. I had become a prisoner of my own freedom. If you once have something and lose it, when you re gain it you appreciate to the fullest. However when you have no idea of what something is like when it is finally yours you become so overwhelmed that if you do not have the right guidance... chaos. Until that day i was in a coma. Unable to fully function as a proper individual. I had all these wants and need with no ability to attain them. I hated myself for causes that i still cannot explain. To myself i was a worthless human being with great aspirations. I lived like i was trained to but with no real wants of my own. I was a pleas er. Then when he died that emotion was mine, it came from nowhere and did not leave. I was crush and the more i tried to deal with it the way i dealt with everything else the more i crumbled. Finally i still don't know how. I saved myself from myself. Since then my life changed and i have been on that trek since. Its been three tearful years of ups and downs. I overcame addiction and self abuse. Until recently i was still a prisoner of myself with a an eating disorder.
I am not proud of the road it took, but in the end it was my journey. I got myself here. I am a great person. I live life one day at a time. The hardest thing about this journey is the list of situations that create other situations. Its like a labyrinth. Once you overcome this then that comes to light. Slowly the boxes get their labels, and i finally get to live my life.

I began this blog as a journal. I wanted to vent the frustrations of living with an eating disorder. How I medicate myself with sugar. I wanted to an honest record of how this has affected my life and relationships.
I felt that I needed a place to vent. Showcase real situations and hopefully encourage others to reach out.
As time passed i met this boy and other things happened. The more i learned about myself the less scary this became. I recently discovered that one of the main triggers of the disorder was being lactose intolerant.
I never took the time to listen to myself. It sounds weird but have neglected my needs as a human alot.
Retrospecting,
I now approach a new stage in my battle. My anxiety with dealing with: . 1. my family. 2.boys 3.people/places
I recently went back home. The place i dread most of all because of all the memories. The place i avoid especially during the holidays because it always felt foreign. Here i was willing to go head on. My new best friend with dealing with people is alcohol. I am trying to keep it in check with out making the mistakes of the past of fuzzy denial.
(i wont go into details about the trip) although i will say that once again i learned a lot about myself. Another major accomplishment happened, I told my mother how i felt after we fought. That my readers is a milestone. This also opened a new thought with in me. The more i feel the less i say. This brings us to the current situations at hand.
This blog like most things in my life start out with a intrinsic intention. All the attention deviated to this boy. The man i have had a crush on for month. My obsession of food stopped and all my attention focus on him. It didn't happen all at once but slowly progressed. When it comes to love of myself and others because my childhood was so .............. can't think of the word to sum it up. I had no self worth or value of myself to myself or others. If a cute guy thought i was cute then i had validation. if someone wanted to be with me then i finally was lovable. I changed my beliefs. I began engage in casual sex. The more it hurt (because intrinsically i knew it went against my beliefs), the more i would force myself. I kept sh hing my inner self.

The following is a note of my wants:
I don't think a guy should kiss me on the first date.
I think that unless a guy wants to pursue a relationship then he should not take me out on a third date.
I think people should be up front with their situation.
I want to be valued for all my assets and attributes.
I want to be protected.
I wish i had more boundaries when i like a cute guy.
I am funny and witty till we start to get personal.
I don't do casual sex.
I am very kinky (but have no clue how to become comfortable enough to let it all out)
I am very old fashion
I remember every detail, and enjoy playing back thoughts of great instances that made me smile
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with my soul mate.
I know even though I hate the thought that I am not ready to fully commit.
I have a lot of personal growth to still do (and it frustrates me)
I was a late bloomer
so with that said, I had an innocent crush and never thought i would have the opportunity to hold and touch you. I never thought i would get the chance to engage you personally, share your space. I let the idea of wanting someone to know me get in the way of what was really happening. it has been a month since i last spent time with you. I let it be okay for you not to call me back because in my mind since i did not sleep with you you valued me as me. Truth is we want different things. I was not assertive enough in stating that. I became meek and let the moment happen for fear that it would never happen again. I wanted to fully know what it was like to be in the presence of someone i could care for. When i kissed you it wasn't a generic kiss. I meant it. When i caressed your skin, those touched were for you. I never led you on by taking time out of my schedule to be with you. I was so selfless that i never said how i felt, i just waited. I figured that you would realize how great i was and how you could not live without me. I made excuses for you flirting with other girls because at the end you would be mine. Truth is I don't know. I did something brave yesterday. I called you and asked you to a party. My heart beat ed out of my shirt, i could have collapsed. You get that from me. When i see you butterflies happen, my breathe shortness and you become my thoughts for the rest of the day. Well i called, and once again you denied my the company. I said something this time, and even though i stuttered, and you probably wont talk to me again, i still said it. I don't want to take it back...i also want to thank you. I learned many valuable lessons from our situation.
I also have the sweet memory and feeling of what it is like to kiss the person you like. I get to take the fact that all those times that i daydreamed about you, they weren't just daydreams you really exist.
I still have a lot to learn from myself, but it is good to know that I am okay with not being perfect.

take care.
FK